An Open Letter: Healing after Sexual Assault

No amount of education and training can take the place of the wisdom derived from lived experience.

When I was 22 years old I was the victim of a drug facilitated sexual assault.

In the aftermath of the rape, and for quite some time thereafter, I mistakenly thought the cruelest part of the trauma I endured was that it seemingly severed my ability to trust others.

Friends.

Acquaintances.

Romantic partners.

Neighbors.

Colleagues.

Family.

I thought, “How will I ever trust someone again?”

I was stuck on that thought for years.

I did therapy.

Lots of it.

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.

Cognitive Processing Therapy.

Lots of "talking it through" with professionals.

They were wonderful therapists, and it was all helpful in its own way, but it wasn't what I needed to really heal from the trauma at a visceral level - at my core.

I wanted change at my core, and no amount of talk therapy was getting me there.

Then I underwent my first round of trauma therapy (yes, there can be more than one round, especially in cases of complex trauma).

The type of trauma therapy I underwent was Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing Therapy, otherwise known as EMDR.

Though classified as a "therapy", I think of it more as a straight neuroscience.

Let me be clear before saying more: EMDR is not a quick fix nor a magical solution.

It takes the investment of time, the willingness to "go there" and do hard work that is challenging and, at times, uncomfortable. It requires patience and courage.

It is a process.

That said, sometime during the course of my first round of EMDR therapy, and in the days following one of the sessions, a shift happened in my thinking.

I was deep into a moment of introspection whereby I was examining various thoughts that had come up during a reprocessing session, and it occurred to me:

The worst part of recovering from the sexual assault was not that it had severed my ability to trust people; the worst part was that it had severed my ability to trust myself.

Trust MY judgment…

Trust MY instincts…

Trust MY decision-making capabilities…

Trust MY feelings…

Trust MY perspective…

Trust MY coping...

Trust MY strength...

Trust MY intuition.

All of it had been severed.

Yet, I was so focused on the "trusting others" part that I had completely missed the "trusting myself" part.

This was a game-changer, and no amount of cognitive behavioral therapy helped me to "get" that.

It was through EMDR that my brain was able to access it.

Through the work I've completed both inside and outside therapy sessions, I have learned how to connect with my inner self.

Through that connection I have built a relationship with me, and learned to trust in my inner voice.

It’s there. It’s strong. And it knows exactly what I need.

I learned that if I trust in myself, then the matter of trusting everybody else really is irrelevant.

I only ever need to trust me, and my ability to handle whatever comes my way.

The self is the anchor.

The right type of therapy has helped me realize this.

This is not to say a person can just have a free for all with life and not practice safe behaviors simply because they trust themselves to handle it.

Nor is it to say trust in others does not matter at all.

It's more nuanced than that; not quite that black and white.

It is, however, a shift in perspective that was helpful to my healing.

It also must be stated this is just one small tiny snippet of the healing work I've done through engaging in EMDR Therapy, and is by no means a comprehensive overview of all the components that go into healing from a sexual assault.

Every person's journey is unique. This was just one facet of my therapy journey, much like therapy in itself is one facet of my recovery.

I share this piece of my healing journey, however, because I think it offers an example of how EMDR therapy can help thoughts to shift, which then allows for insights and perspectives that were otherwise not there.

EMDR isn't magic, and it might not be the right fit for everyone. But maybe it can help you like it has me.

If you’ve been the victim of a sexual assault and you've tried talk therapy to no avail, EMDR might be a helpful next step. Visit my website at www.carriemosko.com to learn more about EMDR Therapy. You can also email me at Carrie@carriemosko.com if you are interested in setting up an appointment. Finally, you can learn more about EMDR Therapy here: https://www.emdria.org