Recovering from a Narcissistically Abusive Relationship

If you've been in a narcissistically abusive relationship and managed to escape, congratulations. Not everyone makes it out.

However, this means you know how painful, confusing, and shameful it can all feel in its aftermath as you try to rebuild your life.

Recovering from a break up with someone who was narcissistically abusive is not the same as going through a break up with a healthy person.

When a relationship like this ends it feels like someone chewed you up and spit you out, again and again and again, leaving you alone, disheveled, confused and afraid.

The pain is enormous.

There is no "easy fix" to feeling better after such an experience, but there are some steps you can take that might help get you through it.

1. Humble yourself. Humbling yourself means admitting you were harmed. It means accepting that the person hurt you. This does not mean it was okay that they hurt you; it just means it was a fact that occurred. It means accepting that you were duped by their charm, good looks, or otherwise false presentation. It means accepting that they did not care about you like you thought they did. And yes, if they were abusive, that means they did not love you. Love is the opposite of abuse. This is all very painful, I know....AND....if you cannot get this step down, you will not be able to move forward. Humble yourself and admit to it all.

2. Learn about abusive behaviors and how they manifest in relationships. The Silent Treatment. Stonewalling. Gaslighting. DARVO. Passive Aggression. Withholding. Deception. Bringing up the Past. Isolation. Pity. Circular Conversations. Boundary Violations. Mirroring. Word Salad. Shelving. Learn about abusive behaviors and identify the times you experienced them. Make a written list of all those times. When you become confused about what has transpired, refer back to the written list.

   An abusive person will use your emotions to manipulate you. Defend against this by arming yourself with knowledge, information, and facts. Return to the facts when confusion arises.

3. Grieve. You must allow yourself time to grieve for yourself, the one who endured the abuse. You must take in the full extent of what was done to you in order to fully heal for it is through this process you can gain authentic empathy for yourself. If you cannot feel empathy for yourself, it will quickly turn to empathy for the abuser. They are very good at being the “victim” and they have likely trained you well to believe it. Take that empathy you’ve shown the abuser and give it to yourself.

4. Do not allow yourself to idealize the abuser

   As you get distance from the relationship, there will be a tendency to forget about the bad while remembering the good. This is often because when things were good, they were really good. But when they were bad, they were really bad. This is what fuels a trauma bond and it can be very difficult to break. If you romanticize the relationship, you will go back to it again, and again, and again, only to be hurt more, and more, and more. Each time you go back the abuse will be worse than it was the time before.When you catch yourself thinking about the good, return your thoughts to all of the bad. Reminding your brain of the bad is essential to breaking the trauma bond.

5. Stop asking “why”.

   
   

   A common ruminating thought when recovering from a narcissistically abusive relationship is “Why did this happen?” or “Why did they do that?” or Why was I treated this way?” What you endured is never going to make sense. This is because you are viewing things through your lens of the world, and your lens will never be the same as a narcissistic lens. It will never make sense. You are never going to land on a definitive reason that feels acceptable for why you were treated like you were by someone who said they loved you. The only answer you ever need for the question of “why” is this: The reason you endured what you did at the hands of the abusive person is because they are an abuser, and that’s what abusers do. Abusive people abuse people. If it wasn’t you, it would have been someone else. If it’s not happening to you now, it is happening to someone else. This is just what they do and it was not personal to exclusively you. They’ve done it before, and they will do it again. This is “why” it happened.

6. Do not torture yourself with thoughts about their new partner. When the abusive narcissistic ex moves onto someone new, it can be common to feel like you are inferior or lacking in a way that the new partner is not. This naturally feels bad to think about. When these thoughts arise, immediately remind yourself of this: Abusive people do not engage in relationships. They simply repeat the same toxic cycle, again, and again, and again. The cycle may be repeated with you or with someone new, but it is just a cycle, not a real relationship. The new relationship may appear ideal, but that is all it is: an appearance. If you need to feel something about an abusive ex being with a new partner, feel empathy for the new partner. That person is in the love-bombing stage just like you once were, and they have no idea that one day the switch will be flipped on them just like it was with you. Their new partner is not perfect. Their new partner is just the next pawn. Have empathy not envy.

7. Stop trying to diagnose the abuser. Victims of abuse spend much time trying to figure out whether the abuser is a narcissist. They will search the internet incessantly trying to determine the answers to: Is this narcissism? A mood disorder?Unprocessed trauma? It does not matter whether the abuser meets DSMV criteria for a psychiatric disorder. What matters is that they are abusive. Observer their behaviors and ask yourself: Are they kind? Are they loving? Are they respectful? Do their words match their behavior? Do they hurt you? Do they care? Your answers to these questions are all you need to know about the person to decide whether or not to have them in your life.

8. Go no contact with the abuser. Going no contact is extremely difficult because you are addicted...AND... it is a necessary part of breaking the trauma bond. You must stop exposure to the abusive person or they will continue to use every interaction, even seemingly amicable ones, as an opportunity to abuse you. Their abusive voice will continue to live inside your head disguised as your own self-talk until you stop exposing your brain to it.

   
   

   Going no contact means: Block them on everything. Do not send texts, emails, or make calls. Do not respond if they somehow contact you. Do not listen to voicemails. Do not re-read past texts. Do not look at their social media. Discard all reminders of them (pictures, past gifts, voicemails, their favorite food, any items left behind by them, etc). Rearranging previously shared spaces such as bedrooms can be helpful as well.

   
   

   Sometimes blocking them can feed their fuel, so if you can do these things without blocking them it could be helpful in some cases. However, if you are not able to abstain from contacting them because it is too tempting not to, then you must block them. You must do whatever you have to do to extract them from your life. Protect your peace at all costs.

9. Grey Rock. If going no contact is not possible due to co-parenting kids, it being a business partnership, or a family tie you are not willing to break, then Grey Rocking is the next best thing. Going Grey Rock means: Never initiate contact. If they contact you, do not engage emotionally in any way. Keep your responses brief and boring. No emojis. No “lol’s”. No sharing of information about you and your life. One word responses only. No asking about them. Grey rock it until they lose all interest in you and decide to move onto someone else.

A final note: These are just some steps you can take to help yourself in the aftermath of a narcisissistically abusive relationship. They are by no means definitive. Step 1 Humble Yourself and Step 8 Go No Contact are by far the most important in healing from this type of abuse. If you'd like assistance with this process, I can help. Email me at Carrie@carriemosko.com.